Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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