I could make wine with my vomit
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
