The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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