In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
