Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
