Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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