my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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