My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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