My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Couch. On fire.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize