Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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