Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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