she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
