Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
