Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
