I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
