You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
