What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
