I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
