you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
this is an emotional support booty call
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
