Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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