i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
