My girlfriend figured out who you are.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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