my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the condom got lost in my hair
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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