So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
