I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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