I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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