I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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