I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
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He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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