I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we should paint friendship bongs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
