I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Randomize
