Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
