Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
