They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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