tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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