Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
