Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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