I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
