Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was confusing and full of hummus
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
