hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
