you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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