At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
