I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
