Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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