I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
