On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
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bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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