Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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