hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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