So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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