I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
