I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
