Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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