So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
