i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
