We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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