I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
