if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
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until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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