my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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