I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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